Caught Off-Guard!

It’s not easy being in this position. But I can bet my ass on it that every person reading this has been in this position at least once in their lifetimes. So why am I writing this? Well I accidently, innocently and in complete naiveté, embarrassed myself in public. It wasn’t so bad, just that the constant recall of that incident has triggered cycles of guilt, shame and then recovery by pepping myself out of embarrassment one too often. So to end it all, I decided to pour out my feelings on paper and be done with it.

It all started on a warm Tuesday morning. The weather was beautiful and blah blah blah. You get the picture, all was well in wonderland when Alice suddenly decided to embarrass herself. Unintentionally, ofcourse. So the routine was on, people engrossed in work, phones ringing, copy machines printing, warm aroma of coffee tingling one’s nostrils. Ah, the perfect busy day. I was settling into this comforting feeling of familiarity. Little did I know that my life was about to take a drastic turn!

So there I was sipping hot coffee and engrossed in work, when suddenly, without warning, it happened. Initially it was just a small, innocent hiccup, followed by another and yet another. I decided to ignore it for a while, letting nature take its own course to cure it. That, my friend, was my biggest mistake! The next thing I knew was this huge guttural sound, emerging from my own throat, resounding the walls of my cubicles and echoing the halls and corridors.

There was pin drop silence. Nobody spoke a word. They had all heard my enormous burp. The silence was so still that I couldn’t even hear Tim, the wheezer, five cubes away. Time stood still. Conversations stalled, phones halted in mid-ring, even chatty Chico froze for that one historic moment in time. Digressing for a bit here, have you ever wondered why, of all times, does a normally noisy, buzzing, ignorant, crazy office area suddenly go quiet at precisely the very point when you decide, as quiet as a mouse, to either sneeze, burp or fart? Well, I sure as hell was wondering why!

I was stiff, more so with horror than anything else. I had even stopped breathing. How had this happened. My usually feminine demeanor had taken a blow, out of nowhere! How could I face the world after all this. I wouldn’t be able to see eye to eye with any of my coworkers. I should probably sneak out of the office and go on vacation for a week, until the matter cooled down. If they asked, I would just say that some family matter came up or even better, say that I’m sick. Maybe not. By saying I’m unwell I’d only fuel their imaginations that may lead to unfortunate conclusions. I could hear them, ‘Poor girl, she was probably having serious gastric issues. I don’t mean to be rude, but did you hear that! It was like King Kong having indigestion’ Nooooo!!! I can’t let them think that! I could hear them whisper to each other as I walked past them down the corridors. They would stop talking the minute I’d enter a conference room. I felt like a social outcast. Why me, dear God! What had I done. What sort of sadistic pleasure had luck derived by putting me in this situation. I had no future. It would be best to switch jobs, start a new life and forget the past.

With a sinking feeling I took a deep breath, looked around. Work had resumed. Things seemed to have gone back to being normal. Ya, right! Like that’s going to happen! I could read their minds as they pretended to work away furiously. The rest of the day went back to being quite dull (thanks to the exciting entertainment I had provided, nothing came close enough to beat that, I guess). Slowly and gradually it’s memory faded from my mind. Towards the day’s end, I was almost cheerful. Almost, until I bumped into my boss on my way home. I usually see him only in the weekly meetings. His office is on the floor above us and I was glad to meet someone who wasn’t a part of the audience for that day’s unfortunate event. We exchanged greetings, caught up with work and wished each other a good evening. Just as I was turning to walk towards my car he called out ‘Oh and BTW, you should try Tums, helps with indigestion’, he said winking at me. I swear I heard him smother a giggle as I did an about turn and ran towards my car. WTF!! How in the name of the Lord did he know about it! If embarrassment were a cake, then this would have been the ugly icing on top. It was only later that I found out, my boss had been visiting our floor the very instant I decided to do a King Kong parody. With returning feelings of embarrassment , I drove home only half hoping that I would wake up to realize that this was all a bad dream.