Reasoning with Insecurities

Sometimes people are almost uncomfortable with compliments. Contrary to popular beliefs, its much easier to take criticism than genuine appreciation. Accepting another person's heartfelt compliments can  sometimes be embarrassing, almost making one feel guilty or even unworthy of them, in extreme cases.

Now you may argue saying that what about those who love praises, false or not. What about those who would do anything to get a pat on their backs. You see, they are the most guilt ridden individuals. On the surface they appear to be chasing appreciation, but the very fundamental reason they do it is cause they feel unworthy of giving themselves that appreciation. So much so that they are willing to let go of their self esteem and lower them selves in every way to get someone else's so called "appreciation". That very act is a solid proof of their insecurity.

Now you might point to those who like themselves surrounded with sycophants or "chelaas" as we say in Hindi. I believe somewhere deep down in their subconscious they are so convinced about their worthlessness that they are willing to take anything, even slightly resembling a compliment, thrown their way to boost their self esteem or lack thereof. This, again, points to their super guilt driven insecure interior masked by an overconfident/ almost arrogant exterior.  

These might sound like extreme cases, but we all have these insecurities, in varying degrees of intensity. Notice that the very core reasoning to any insecurity always ends up being some belief that we've been taught to believe. 

Now why are we so insecure, you may ask? Frankly, I don't know that either. It doesn't make any logical sense to me. But one thing I've realized over time is that we don't genuinely evolve until we can accept appreciation as well as we take criticism, while maintaining our dignity and peace of mind.

A Cry

What kind of a world do we live in...

Where chemicals are our food
There are drugs for every mood
Water that makes you sick
And artificial foods to pick
Where Fashion and style is new
But spirit belongs only to a few

What a selfish people are we...

Breaking news is stories of distress
Of people in pain, hurt and stress
With a zillion mouths to care and feed
We only care for our unfulfilled greed
Entertainment is all on our mind
When did we forget to be gentle and kind?

What irresponsible monsters are we!

Nature is mocked every day
by our acts of violence and dismay
We take our blessing for granted
Dismissing the weak as unwanted
With blood on our minds we charge
At each others' throats at large

The purpose of life has been lost
For power and at what cost!
Simple, sacred, pure and whole
Rich with Being, Blessed with Soul
Such was our legacy, lost over time
Drowned in arrogance, violence and crime

What kind of humans are we to be
When we lose our sense of humanity.

What is so wrong with effeminate men?

A recent article about how to talk to little girls set me thinking on a somewhat gender related topic. I wondered how and why we perceive effeminate men the way we do.

What is so wrong with effeminate men/boys? Why is it automatically looked down upon in many cultures? So they have mannerisms that are gentler, graceful and much less rigid or "manly" than other so called macho guys. Is that the only reason for disapproval? That seems a bit extreme. I wanted to dig deep to see if I could understand how the general mass psyche works when judging these men.

Just being effeminate is not the reason, it's the so called "logical deductions" that society has associated with this quality that makes effeminate downright taboo, for some.

1. Association with being gay. Effeminate is almost an obvious link to being gay-is what is being conditioned into our society. And as we know it too well that being gay is not yet a completely accepted phenomena in a large part of the world for various deep rooted reasons. This explains the strong reactions that some people have towards effeminate men.

2. Deduction that they aren't truly "men" and that they should therefore not receive that respect. This is a downright sexist belief. Any other form of gender than a man's is somehow less respectful indicates that these people have low respect for females as well. Observe that not many people have a problem with girls being tom boyish. I haven't seen many girls lose respect for being a tom boy. In fact she gains respect from her guy friends who consider her to be "one of them" as if that's some stamp of approval that she's desperately waiting to get. I've been a "tomboy" during my teens (am possibly a little bit even now) and trust me, not once did I wish I was a guy! I liked playing sports, reading technical stuff, wearing easy, convenient clothes (jeans...T shirts). All this might make it look like I was trying to be a guy, on the contrary, I was just being too lazy to try and look pretty and had other interests which society associates with only men. That does not in anyways make me a man! In fact far from it!

3. Assumption that they will be wimpy, over emotional, clingy, annoying and not so tough. This I can totally and completely deny, since being "macho" does not guarantee that the person will NOT be any of these above. I know a few very typical manly men who apparently hate effeminate behavior for unknown reasons and they are ALL of the above to the point of frustration! Also, on a side note, I hate it when these qualities get associated with women, in general. Trust me, if you genuinely know the women in your life, you will know that they are far more emotionally strong and centered than most men.

So it might seem like most of these points have an underlying issue about women's equality and that we've heard way too much about that and there is nothing new in this article. I agree, but isn't that a strong indication that more and more of the social issues that we have today have the same deep rooted problem and that unless we genuinely want to deal with it, it will continue its quiet rebellion by churning out a myriad of other issues which are spin offs of the core problem.

Caught Off-Guard!

It’s not easy being in this position. But I can bet my ass on it that every person reading this has been in this position at least once in their lifetimes. So why am I writing this? Well I accidently, innocently and in complete naiveté, embarrassed myself in public. It wasn’t so bad, just that the constant recall of that incident has triggered cycles of guilt, shame and then recovery by pepping myself out of embarrassment one too often. So to end it all, I decided to pour out my feelings on paper and be done with it.

It all started on a warm Tuesday morning. The weather was beautiful and blah blah blah. You get the picture, all was well in wonderland when Alice suddenly decided to embarrass herself. Unintentionally, ofcourse. So the routine was on, people engrossed in work, phones ringing, copy machines printing, warm aroma of coffee tingling one’s nostrils. Ah, the perfect busy day. I was settling into this comforting feeling of familiarity. Little did I know that my life was about to take a drastic turn!

So there I was sipping hot coffee and engrossed in work, when suddenly, without warning, it happened. Initially it was just a small, innocent hiccup, followed by another and yet another. I decided to ignore it for a while, letting nature take its own course to cure it. That, my friend, was my biggest mistake! The next thing I knew was this huge guttural sound, emerging from my own throat, resounding the walls of my cubicles and echoing the halls and corridors.

There was pin drop silence. Nobody spoke a word. They had all heard my enormous burp. The silence was so still that I couldn’t even hear Tim, the wheezer, five cubes away. Time stood still. Conversations stalled, phones halted in mid-ring, even chatty Chico froze for that one historic moment in time. Digressing for a bit here, have you ever wondered why, of all times, does a normally noisy, buzzing, ignorant, crazy office area suddenly go quiet at precisely the very point when you decide, as quiet as a mouse, to either sneeze, burp or fart? Well, I sure as hell was wondering why!

I was stiff, more so with horror than anything else. I had even stopped breathing. How had this happened. My usually feminine demeanor had taken a blow, out of nowhere! How could I face the world after all this. I wouldn’t be able to see eye to eye with any of my coworkers. I should probably sneak out of the office and go on vacation for a week, until the matter cooled down. If they asked, I would just say that some family matter came up or even better, say that I’m sick. Maybe not. By saying I’m unwell I’d only fuel their imaginations that may lead to unfortunate conclusions. I could hear them, ‘Poor girl, she was probably having serious gastric issues. I don’t mean to be rude, but did you hear that! It was like King Kong having indigestion’ Nooooo!!! I can’t let them think that! I could hear them whisper to each other as I walked past them down the corridors. They would stop talking the minute I’d enter a conference room. I felt like a social outcast. Why me, dear God! What had I done. What sort of sadistic pleasure had luck derived by putting me in this situation. I had no future. It would be best to switch jobs, start a new life and forget the past.

With a sinking feeling I took a deep breath, looked around. Work had resumed. Things seemed to have gone back to being normal. Ya, right! Like that’s going to happen! I could read their minds as they pretended to work away furiously. The rest of the day went back to being quite dull (thanks to the exciting entertainment I had provided, nothing came close enough to beat that, I guess). Slowly and gradually it’s memory faded from my mind. Towards the day’s end, I was almost cheerful. Almost, until I bumped into my boss on my way home. I usually see him only in the weekly meetings. His office is on the floor above us and I was glad to meet someone who wasn’t a part of the audience for that day’s unfortunate event. We exchanged greetings, caught up with work and wished each other a good evening. Just as I was turning to walk towards my car he called out ‘Oh and BTW, you should try Tums, helps with indigestion’, he said winking at me. I swear I heard him smother a giggle as I did an about turn and ran towards my car. WTF!! How in the name of the Lord did he know about it! If embarrassment were a cake, then this would have been the ugly icing on top. It was only later that I found out, my boss had been visiting our floor the very instant I decided to do a King Kong parody. With returning feelings of embarrassment , I drove home only half hoping that I would wake up to realize that this was all a bad dream.