Slumdog No.1

Before I start with the actual post I must mention the inspiration for it. It's the latest Brit-Indian venture called 'Slumdog Millionaire'. Considering the current display of 'exceptional talent' in the movie industry, this one is a sane, well crafted, structured....in short a fantabulous effort! As we sat, totally satiated after this unique movie experience, my roomie and I were suddenly struck with this crazy idea. We began putting together a story with the most outrageous cast and crew. Kind of a spoof (mind you, its a spoof of the hypothetical star cast, not the movie! I wouldn't dare to dishonor such great movie making effort). So here's how it goes:

Title: Slumdog No.1

Director: David Dhawan

Cast: Govinda (What a surprise!), Some new Bimbo-wanna be actress, Sanjay Dutt, another new bimbo -wannabe, Mahesh Manjrekar (Yes, he can fit into any niche!), Johnny Lever as the goon's side kick (trying to force out laughter from the audience) a few knuckle cracking, mean looking gundas and a few dozen extras (we need them for the songs...duh!)

Story: It would start off with the most eclectic looking slums of mumbai. Overtly emotional and loving slum dwellers, family oriented beggars and kid loving Gundas. Awwww. All's well in slumsville untill terror strikes one fine day. Religious riots hit the area and people are killed. Young Govinda and older brother (young Sanjay Dutt) are seperated in the brawl. Their sad looking mother is killed right in front of young Govinda's eyes. Actors are hamming and the audience is yawning. Ho-hum....

Zoom into the present day scenario.....suddenly they have all grown up into hefty 40+ oldies who, for reasons unknown, will always be 25 year old naujawans on the wide screen. So here we have an ever gregarious, oversmart Govinda, donning multicolored garbs and wooing the moholle ki choris. He is a smart ass and supposedly better than most others in his moholla. Although he earns his two meals conning people, he has a heart of gold. Meanwhile in another world, not too far, Sanjay Dutt has evolved into the reigning don of the underworld. His faithful, stupid and desperately-trying-to-be-comical sidekick Johnny Lever is stuck to his hind side all the way. This don is smarter than most dangerous dons, better than Bruce Lee in martial arts and still a romantic at heart. Mind you, despite all this he STILL has a heart of gold...After all he shares blood ties with his philanthrophic little brother. It's in the blood!

So then there's the whole Hindi movie masala, drama, brothers meeting, exchanging lockets, realizing they are brothers, crying over their dead mother and swearing on her grave to drink her muderers' blood...(oops, there is also meeting their lady loves, dancing around trees on lavish locales in the most untimely placed awkward song sequences) they finally reach the sets of KBC (somehow!...please dont ask me to elaborate on how they got there.......I wouldnt be surprised if the show host invited them himself.....its Bollywood!)

So then with much luck.,...actually all luck (that too outrageous luck) they manage to reach the final question.....when they are stumped....Having lost all their lifelines they have just one hope.....in the middle of the crowded auditorium they fall on their knees and start off with the most devotional bhajan you've ever heard.....and then the Divine blesses them (probably in an effort to get them wrapping up their ridiculous performances) in the form of a monkey showing up out of nowhere clutching a piece of paper with the answer......Huh!...Lost? Dont worry, you lost me too!

Ofcourse, during this final song its revealed to the audiences (and to the heroes) that the game show producer is, in fact, the main ganglord who had killed their mother years ago and was looking for the two brothers to settle scores with (talk about timing!).....So then there's the final predictible fight where everyone attacks everyone except the two heroes and ofcourse the two brothers kill the ganglord with combined efforts! Y ou would probably be praying for the goon to die...hoping that would somehow end the movie sooner....

So then with all the extravagant costumes, sets and performances...the movie finally ends (whew...there's always hope!) and we, the audience, are set free!!!!

Ofcourse, inspite of receiving a number of critical, negative reviews the film still manages to bag the filmfare award with the director swearing to the masses that he will continue directing more movies like this which are much better (read more hamming and more mind numbing)....... and just as we find ourselves recovering from the blow of this one....the final wave hits us when we read that this piece of 'artistic mastery' is India's entry for the Oscars......Long live Bollywood!

That's right! An awe inspiring, heart wrenching story.